What is kindness?

This is not another article about how small acts of kindness make a difference; it is a deeper exploration into what kindness actually is.

It is my belief that kindness is the most valuable human commodity. Yet, like any precious resource, it is frail and certainly corruptible. Using this lens, I want to ask (and answer) the big questions about its nature, its worth, and its vulnerabilities.

Can you be born kind?

There is no single "kindness gene"; however, research has shown that certain genetic variations, particularly in the oxytocin system, contribute to the foundation of kindness — influencing how easily we connect with and care for others.

A study at The University of Toronto¹ discovered that subjects with two copies of the G version of a specific portion of the oxytocin receptor gene (the GG genotype) are more prosocial than male and female subjects with at least one copy of the A variant (the GA/AA genotype). Subjects with the GG genotype displayed more non-verbal compassionate cues such as smiles and nods than subjects with the GA/AA genotypes. However, the authors of this study cautioned that understanding a person's disposition towards kindness is extremely complex. Gene variation is a contributing, but not the only, factor.

Those other factors were undefined in the study, but we can infer that these could be things like social and economic background, parenting, childhood experiences, the people you meet during your life’s journey.

Then there is Williams Syndrome which affects 1 in 7500 individuals². People with Williams Syndrome have an innate desire to hug and befriend total strangers. Sadly, this loving disposition makes them vulnerable to being bullied and abused leading to isolation and loneliness.

These studies suggest that you can be born with a heap of extra kindness in your bones; however, ultimately, even with these gene differences, it is life's experiences that mould the potential of kindness to be put into action.

Has mankind always been kind?

Anthropologists and historians generally agree that humans aren't "born bad" or "born good," but rather they are born with a high capacity for both traits.

Evidence suggests that early humans survived specifically because they were kind to one another. In comparison to many early predators, humans are physically weak so our strength came from cooperation. To survive, it required humans to hunt collaboratively, share food and protect the vulnerable. To become a family. Conversely, history is undeniably scarred by violence. Violence created from a scarcity of resources and fighting for one’s own tribe, which eroded humans capacity for kindness.
Fortunately, humankind has always been social creatures and it is this aspect of our nature that is the key to why humans expanded. We fiercely defended our own tribe, until that circle gradually expanded to include other tribes and then the rest of humanity.

Interestingly, the word "kind" actually shares a root with "kin" as being "kind" and originally meant treating someone like family.

Can society be kind?

Looking at the recent global news events, there are clear signs we are struggling to maintain any levels of kindness. Our tribes are, once again, fighting over diminishing resources.

Have we reached the peak of human expansion?

According to the UN, the world’s population reached 8 billion people³ on 15 November 2022 and it is projected to continue growing for the next 50 to 60 years. The current estimate is that the world’s population will peak at approximately 10.3 billion by mid-2080 after which it is expected to gradually decline.

With that many people jostling for existence, all coping with climate change, reduction of habitable land and diminishing food production it is hard to see how kindness can be an integral part of society. But history shows us it is possible.

There are several remarkable instances where societies were guided by kindness, empathy, and moral welfare rather than just raw power. The Quaker Influence in Pennsylvania; in 1970s Bhutan, King Jigme Singye Wangchuck declared that Gross National Happiness (GNH) is more important than Gross Domestic Product. Looking further back to the 3rd Century BC, we see the most famous transition from violence to kindness in history. After witnessing the horrific bloodshed of the Kalinga War, King Ashoka of India underwent a spiritual crisis and converted to Buddhism. He replaced military conquest in favour of winning hearts and minds through the principles of righteousness, compassion, and non-violence known as "conquest by Dhamma"; established free hospitals for both humans and animals, planted trees along roads for shade, dug wells, and built rest houses for travelers. He carved his laws on pillars and rocks across India, advocating for religious tolerance, kindness to servants/slaves, and the protection of wildlife.

In a world where there is an obsession with making X place great again, we’re ignoring the lesson great men have already shared. Clearly, kindness still has an integral part to play in society.

Maintaining kindness in your self

If you’re not benefitting from a genetic kindness boost or your upbringing has been hard, does that mean you are incapable of kindness?

I certainly don’t believe that is the natural outcome.

Kindness is a disciplined skill. In martial arts, continued practice and lifelong learning leads to mastery and we should treat kindness the same way.

You may find you need a tutor to help you find your path, but be assured that everyone has the capacity for kindness. It is just hard work for most of us.

I like to think I am a kind person, but am I kind 100% of the time? Probably not.

There are many occasions when I have, at the last moment, checked myself from saying or doing something that, on reflection, I would know to be unkind. I have deleted emails written in an agitated state that I know I would regret sending. I have felt anger when someone has behaved unkind towards me (or even a stranger) and have wanted to reciprocate with equal animosity. However, I always stop and call on my empathy for that person. For me, behaving the same way as the aggressor is not the person I want to be and certainly will not teach that person anything new. I try hard to make kindness my default state.

Kindness is not a weakness, but control.

Kindness fatigue

Kindness fatigue is a real psychological phenomenon⁴, though it is more formally known in psychology as Compassion Fatigue or Empathy Fatigue. It is often described as the "cost of caring" and it occurs when an individual’s ability to feel empathy or compassion for others becomes eroded due to constant, overwhelming exposure to the suffering or needs of others.

Compassion fatigue can lead to health issues with symptoms that can include exhaustion, disrupted sleep, anxiety, headaches, stomach upset, irritability, numbness, a decreased sense of purpose, emotional disconnection, self-contempt, and difficulties with personal relationships. So, it is not to be taken lightly.

It is easy to see how health professionals and careers are susceptible to compassion fatigue, but it can be also seen in charitable giving.

Apparently, the musician Bob Geldof coined the phrase compassion fatigue in the mid-1980s after the massive success of Live Aid. Geldof noted that the public eventually "tuned out", desensitised to the plight, and donations dropped, with the public having reached an emotional limit.

So there are limits, but how do you combat this fatigue?

I would argue that you should never feel bad when your empathy levels need recharging. It is at this point you need to remember to be kind to yourself in the way that you see fit. Whether that is a weekend away, a trip to the hairdressers, or meditation. Reset and find your way back to full empathy health. For me, locking myself in a room and listening to music works.

Money is not the only answer

I have noticed a lot of reels and videos on social media where individuals record themselves 'changing the lives of others less fortunate’ in a grand gesture of kindness. Some pay a large tip to the waitress. Some randomly pay for a person's grocery shop. Others crowd source (a lot of) money to give to a kind soul that initially offers the influencer a dollar that they could not spare.

Money does make a difference, but I cannot help seeing these gestures of kindness as a vulgar attempt of self promotion, rather than pure acts of kindness. After all, why did you need to video yourself being kind?

Of course, if you ask the recipient how they feel then they’ll be delighted. So, I do acknowledge the quandary.

I’m not advocating that you stop donating money to a worthy cause (or watching these videos), but highlighting that there are many other ways to promote kindness without having to give money.

Shaping a kinder world

We live in a world where the self is of utmost importance. Social media has influenced us in ways we are only beginning to understand. Consumerism is rampant and brands garner more ‘trust’ than the church.

I paint a gloomy picture, but humans can be amazing. We are capable of such great things and there are people, even today, trying to shape a kinder society.

Rutger Bremen, the author of Moral Ambition and Humankind has started a movement that aims to help as many people as possible take the step towards a job with a positive impact. Founded in 2024, The School for Moral Ambition is gaining momentum. It aims to encourage talented individuals to pursue a more meaningful career path — focussed on doing good as a vocation. Unsurprisingly, Kindness features as one of the organisation’s founding principles.

This article was not written to lead to an epiphany moment. A call to arms. A poignant quote. Simply take from it what you will. Kindness has always been with us and always will. It’s in our DNA.